testin again

New Song: If I Ever Loose My Faith In You

After returning to our rooms we began to get reports about the police tear-gassing the building of our school President. Not understanding why, nor having the time to…suddenly our dorm was now being gassed. We weren’t throwing anything out of the windows…nor attaching the police. But they saw fit to wage war on a campus of young, gifted and black students seeking answers for an injustice brought against not only our people…but against a nation.

Thinking about it… If the police can beat and abuse a black man and get off for it…how long before it’s a child, an Asian, an Indian, or even a white man/woman. Face it…white teens hold about as much value as black teens to the police and what happened to Rodney King back then can just as well happen to anyone…regardless of race creed or color.

Well at this point we decided it was time to go. I don’t remember how…but I hooked up with Delta, her roommate Kesha, Dialo and his girlfriend and we broke from the other side of campus. The police had already began to surround the campus as to enclose it so no one would leave (more like escape).

TV…I WANNA BE ON TV…!!!
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By the time we hit the other side of campus…I would be seen leaping / running over a police car in the attempt to leave (escape is more like it)….all being caught in camera by a news copter. About an hour later I would be rejoined with Delta and my other friends on the West End of Atlanta. By this time Delta had called her cousin to come and pick us up. We spent the weekend at her house and then went home for spring break.

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New Song: Once Again It's On!!! Known to breaken' off Somthin' Proper

Although I've said before..."I'm Back" to writting...this time I mean it. I've found that writting helps to sort out all of the mess in life. Now I'm using this new browser Flock and hit has a built in utility for posting blogs....so that way I don't have to visit blogger.com

It also let's me save post for future publishing...so...this makes it easy to write on the go.

Now...back to my Clark Atlanta stories...and maybe a few others.

New Song: What's Going On

You might have noticed that I've done 2 other post tonight. That's because each is a different idea.

Now...I'm thinking about the cross-road I'm at in my life. I really don't know what I want to do anymore. I don't know if I want to continue to own my own business or go and work for someone else. I don't know if I want to be direct in Graphics or in IT. If I shoudl be involved in Media Solutions or...what....

I just don't know anymore. It's funny...I'm 31 and now for the first time in my life "I dont know"...
That's so funny. I've always had a answer for everything and have known my direction in this life. I've always had a focus and have been able to help others figure their way in the widing road of life...and now I'm at an impass not knowing what to do.

I have 2 best friends and it's like I can't get my hands on either one of them...just to talk. One is married and her husband dosent want me to talk to her. He's a butthole (and that's being nice...but we'll talk about his insecurities another day)....and the other...Ms. Mary Jane Watson...so sweet is she...Sometimes I feel I'm letting her down ...when I'm actually down.

Guess that's why I'm BatMan...I was dating this young lady who made it a point of 'not letting me play the hero...but to take off the mask when I'm with her'...

I get so tired ...it's like I have to be so much to so many people and at the end of the day...when I'm tired..like I am now...there is no one to be my hero. I'm not tooting my own horn. Trust me...I truly have problems of my own....issues to numerious to mention...but I always seem to find a way to help someone else..give guidence...love...support..whatever...I just don't know how to do the same for myself.

I've been so tired everyday this week that 'energy' is a foreign word to me. Thinking about joining a health club..one that's open 24hrs. I'm a night owl for those that don't already know.

Back to the BatMan thing. I think the BatMan name came about because of 'who' Bruce Waine is. He's a guy who seems to have it all together. He's a hero...that's tomented by his past. He's alone...except for a few friends that 'still' don't really know him. I think the butler 'knows' him better than Bruce would think. But..at the end of the day...when the lights go down...and Bruce is back from playing Batman...the mask comes off...and he's alone again. Tired. Hurt. Beat. Lonely. And right now...that's how I feel.

I told someone lastnight that I don't have many regrets...I usually don't look back...I keep it full steam ahead. But...recently...I've found something to be one of my greatest regrests in life...and that was not making my highschool sweetheart my wife. (dang...got folks trying to figure this one out).

Well...I coudln't marry her because I never had the guts to go the next step and actually tell her how I truly felt about her. I was around her everyday and knew her better than anyone...and she new me that way also...but it just never happened. Close calls...yeah...but never all the way. Oh well...things happen for a reason and this one...I have yet to find the reason.

But enough about that. Guess I'll pick back up on the college life this week. It's funny...they say.."how can you type with your eyes closed"...and I say..."Cause I can see the words in my head...the events come back to me so vividly...that it makes it easy to recount on the keyboard..."

I type...I dream...I type....I look back.

You know..there is this Sting song called "Brand New Day" that says...well...here's waht it says...and it's actually all that's been on my mind...

Sting: Brand New Day (just a portion)
One day you could be looking
Through an old book in rainy weather
You see a picture of her smiling at you
When you were still together
You could be walking down the street
And who should you chance to meet?
But that same old smile you’ve been thinking of all day?

Why don't we turn the clock to zero honey?
I’ll sell the stock we’ll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock all the way back
I wonder if she’ll take me back
I’m thinking in a brand new way

Turn the clock to zero sister
You’ll never know how much I missed her
Starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock to zero boss
The rivers wide we’ll swim across
We're starting up a brand new day

Peace
Batman 7X

New Song: Shake Yourself loose

I have a new project I'm working on. I'm the station producer for a internet gospel radio station. The owner is cool...and I think this thing is going to go very far once it's all in place. Since we're still putting things together...I won't give you guys the URL to the site just yet. I have more work to do on it first.

Doing the website and deciding what music is going to be played is truly a new and different type of thing for me. I've never been 'into' Gospel music because I'm always listening to to sermons or Christian talk shows. But...I'm learning all of the Gospel artist real fast now...

I have to put together programming for Worship Hour and Artist Spotlight...then the daily rotations. Trust me...I'm one of those people who 'stumble' into things. I have never been interest in being a station programmer for anything. I have thought about being a 'radio personality'...but that's about it. And...This....This...dont ask me how I got involved...lol..it just happened and those things that I've learned in the past just seem to help me with my future all the time. I'll count it as a blessing.

New Song: It's Been a long time...I should have left you...without a Dope Beat 2 Step 2!!!

After being gone for such a long time...I'm back. I've found that writting about my daily crap, challenges, headaches and the likes actually relieves a little stress from my life. When I first started writing I actually had a huge following looking in on 'my college days'....so...I'll continue it I guess...but not today.

I've been toying around with a new template for the blogs...but I guess I'm going to give up for now and just use one of the new 'Blogger.com' templates. So...I'll be hooking that up for everyone in the next few days.

As for 'everyone one else'....I have lost touch with most of the Superfriends other than Storm. So...after I rebuild the 'blogs'...I'll email everyone and let them know that they are available again. Yup...I'm going to get rid of the ones that have never been written to. It kind of ticks me off that folks had me do all that work with the 'flash animation' and stuff and they never used their journals. Ya know...it's not like I charge anyone to host their journals at the BatCave. The BatCave is just a place to be a retreat on the net...some place to write your own thoughts. Thats all. So...the list will be slimmed down.

I will open it back up for others if they want to join...So...that'll be about it.

New Song: War...Huuu...Good God Y'all..What is it Good For...

As the police gathered themselves together on the main street outside of Brawley Hall...you could feel the tention in the air. Outsde of my window was Atlanta PD dressed up in riot gear like they were ready to tame a wild lion or take on Sadam's Elite Army.

The reports that we received were that it was unlawful for anyone to form an organized protest on public property without the proper sactions and permits. What Atlanta PD failed to realize...or maybe they did...but didn't care..was that the Altanta University Center and ALL of it's BLACK COLLEGES WERE NOT PUBLICLY FUNDED SCHOOLS OR INSTITUTIONS!!! We were on PRIVATE PROPERTY (paid for with grants/tuition/etc) and they were the ones trespassing. In addition to that...they said they were present because college students were looting local stores. DA HELL!!! The news...from ALL THE STATIONS...reported and showed footage of Atlanta Locals looting stores!!! It was on TV how the college students returned back to school with any violence. They even showed people leaving their own homes..going down the street...going into a store and walking back home with the goods they had just stole!!! DA HELL!!! But...WHAT INFORMATION was the Atlanta PD working off of???

The scene was so strange. By my dorn...the cops lined the streets side by side as to not let anyone off campus. Those that tried to leave were either arrested or beat back. Then....you noticed a curious thing. There were only African-American/Black Cops at the forfront of the police-man-made-wall. The white cops were sitting in the back ...yeah...eating donuts and drinking coffee. It was like it was all a joke to them.

My roommate, Dialo and I came down from our rooms and got as close to the police wall as we could without being hurt. We started voicing our concerns and yelling to the cops behind the wall...but they laughed. Then...we turned our focus to the cops who made up the man-made-wall....
There was woman cop...and a man...with strange expressions on their face. Dialo and I started saying somehthing like...
"Do you see what they are doing? Do you see. They have all the BLACK COPS up front to beat down a bunch of BLACK KIDS!!! They are laughing and joking back their while your orders are to beat us if we try to cross the line!!! IS that what you joind the PD for???"

At that moment tears started flowing down the faces of 3 or 4 of the cops. And then...in a whimper...one officer said..."I have a family...children...bills...I have to...it's my job"....and with pain and confusion upon his face...I could only walk away.

New Song: Wake Up Everybody no time for sleeping in bed....

The next day I found myself outside of Brawley Hall with a group of young men protesting in the memory of Malcolm X. In the movie 'Malcom X' ....when the young brother was beat by the police...and dragged 2 the station...Malcom came to the station and told the Chief to look out the window. What he saw was a line of Black Men...arms folded...no expression upon their face...looking as if they were ready 2 go 2 war any minute. These men had faces of stone and you could tell...without a word spoken...they meant business. This...was the site of Brawley Hall. My brothers and I were silently protesting as Malcom X had instructed so long ago.

Around other parts of the campus...there were other kinds of protest. Some had stages set. Some were in the theater. Some were sitting on the ground and speaking of the ramifications of the verdict. But...above all...there was peace. Or at least...for the moment.

Around 11am my peaceful demonstration would be interupted by a young brother bleeding from his head. In an hysterical rant...he said...
"You gotta come...help...Sisters are being beaten over the head...SHIELDS...CLUBS"
"It's BAD!!! Through the Projects....there coming!!!"

What this young brother was talking about was the Atlanta PD was coming through the Projects on a course for the campus in riot gear. Anyone in their way was consisdered an object that had to be moved. With my own eyes...I saw Atlanta PD come onto our campus and push/hit/shove and mace young brothers and sisters!

All of a sudden...the assault stopped...and like robots...the advance would go on no long...for now. The next few hours would return us to the 60's and 70's....

New Song: No Where 2 Run 2 Baby....No Where 2 Hide

During the spring of 1992 all hell broke loose. Rodney King & Cali had touched the entire US. The the verdict of the Officers being "Not Guilty" it would set off a series of events that will be burned into the minds of the few thousand people who werent oblivious to the going ons outside of Cali.

While America watched the riots and fires in Cali...a little black city called Atlanta was having it's own issues. Being on a black college campus, we were PRO BLACK, PRO PEACE, PRO/ANTI-ABORTION....etc...etc...etc...and whatever else our young minds could latch onto. But...above all...the mass majority of the youths on campus were contious of self. Groups started to form all over campus with peacful protest. Speakers came out and voices were heard. It was like it was the 60's and new young leaders were emerging as the voice of a new generation.

On the same day of the verdict...college kids from all over the AUC (Atlanta University Center) gathered together and marched down to the Captial of Georgia...which just happend to be about a 30 min walk from the AUC (for those that don't know...it's Atlanta :) ) But...the march was peaceful. Store owners would stand outside their stores in support of the college students. We were singing old negro-spiritual songs (felt like Martin Luther was at the head of the march there for a second) and we talked about "how could this have happened"....

Once downtown at the capital...I must say that the students were a force 2 be reckoned with. The Atlanta PD sent all of their officers to keep the peace...but 'peace' was already at hand. We wanted our govenor to come out and speak to us. Explain what was going on. We wanted Brawley and ANY black leader to come out and speak to us...re-assure us. But the longer we stood there. The long we chanted...sang...and stayed peaceful...the more apparent it became that no one had the guts to address ...not a violent mob...but a gathering of the most intelligent minds in Atlanta...and dare I say...the US.

Upon our return back to campus...the locals started looting the various stores around Atlanta. It looked like Cali during the Watts riots. The various news stations around Atlanta documented how the college students returned back to school and that they had footage of our return...and the looting was done by the locals. But...even with such evidence...and coverage...the next day would serve to change my life forever.

New Song: Pages of My Life

Well....thought I would continue with the story of Delta and me waking up in the hospital. If you scroll down...you'll catch the other parts of this story under other such titles "New Song: bla bla bla..etc"
You get it.
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Well...when I woke up in the hospital they were bringing me from getting a CAT scan. They began asking me a series of questions such as: have you ever been in a car accident?...had any head injuries...etc. And...all of my answers were no.

Well...as it would turn out...I had a growth...tumor...next to my brain. Between the back of your brain and the back of your skull is a space 2 inches thick...and it go's from ear2ear ...my this thing had engulfed this entire space. DA HELL!!!

Well....they wanted to do surgery...and other things...but I decided to come back 2 Chicago and talk 2 my doctors. Delta was by my side the entire way. She was making sure I was eating right...calling my family and giving them updates. And...for the most part...just be the wonderful person she was.

Around spring break we were getting 2 go home 2 Chicago so I could seek medical attention when all hell broke loose!

PS....HAPPY BIRTH DAY POISON IVY!!!!

Hey..Happy Birthday girl...hope your day is great and the boywonder get's you something (ssshhhh....did I say 'boy wonder')

Now I know that I'm in the ministry...or am I just being played like a fool?

As I said before...my Christmas was hectic. I started redesigning the BatCave when everything happened all at once.

This sweet lady who had such a powerful spirit/Spirit passed away. She was the mother of my churches 1st Lady (the Pastor's wife yall). But anywho...I had the chance to know and talk with the woman who I'll call Mother A...over the years and her story would astound you. More on her story later.

But...me doing what I do...(yeah...I'm a printer 2)...I was called on to print the obituary for this wonderful woman, Mother A. Uggg...she had so many kids who have a complex with being in charge...it was the most labourous week I had had in such a long time. You see...all of her children...and I think there are about 9 of them...are either Pastor's...A Pastor's wife...Ministers...etc... (except 2 that I know of...guess they fell off)..but anyway...everyone wanted to be in charge...but none of these folks had any money! That kills me...folks want to call the shots but they don't have money to put twards to funeral arrangements.

You know...that's something else. I have done about 5 or 6 obituaries for this family over the past year and I had felt compelled to give them a huge discount...especially since I personally felt a void with the passing of Mother A...but then...I decided I would give it to them for free...but I wasn't going to tell anyone but my Pastor. MANNNNN....You wouldn't believe how many folks in this family came at me about giving them the program for free. They were talking about "you done made so much money off of this family...you should give it for free!" Now...Now...what I don't understand is this. ONLY MY PASTOR HAS PAID ME FOR THE PROGRAMS I DID FOR HIS FAMILY...ON BOTH SIDES...NONE OF THESE OTHER PEOPLE HAVE EVER DROPPED A DIME ON THE OBITUARIES NOR HAVE THEY EVER OFFERED TO HELP THE PASTOR PAY FOR THEM!!!!. DA HELL!!!

My Pastor would always ask me 2 do the obituaries because he knew it was what I did for a living and I produced the best quality prints in Chicago...along with great pricing. And you know what...when I told him I was going to do it for free...he still wanted to pay me because he knew I had a cost and bills. But I still didnt take it. If I would have charged him what I should have...it would have been about $375...But my Pastor is my friend...my counselor...he became my dad when my father passed away in 1995. So...I wasn't going to charge him...at least for this one :)

So anyway...after days of trying to get this program together...I didn't get the final information until the night before the funeral. Oh well. Oh...did I mention I was in the funeral? That was actually a honor. I respected Mother A so much...and then the family...I guess...saw me as being family...and put me in the program. Trust me...this is a huge family and there were plenty of other 'family' members that could have done what I did (read scripture)...but the picked me... :)

But...after that weekend...we had 2 get ready for Christmas (the funeral was the weekend before Christimas)... After Christmas...we had to continue to get ready for our Church Anniversary.

Church Anniversary: what an event. I did the printing ...or should I say ...Me and Storm did the printing and design. You talk about HOURS upon DAYS upon NO SLEEP type of work!!! The program was suppost to be 8.5x11 folded. But then...on the monday before the Anniversary...the 1st Lady changed the design as well as the size. (oh happy happy joy joy) DA HELL!!!

So...that was a job! But...we had fun. I'm still tired and catching up on sleep. I think I'll need the rest of this week to get it back in gear.

I was talking on the phone with Poison Ivy today...(yeah...I know her personally also)...and found out she's been RAPED by church folks as well. She does obituaries as well...but she dosent charge what she should and has been scared off by church folks. They have her scared to charge what she should. Well..that's gonna end!!! I'm gonna school her on what's what! How to charge for what she does. So many of us don't know our worth nor what is the worth of our work. We've been conditioned to measure our 'worth' by the hour. We'll...when I'm doing Tech work...I'm worth $55 dollars per hour 2 schools $75 per hour to a business. Obituary printing...I'm not gonna tell that one...but I'm gonna bring Poison Ivy up...show her what she's really worth!

FINALLY....THE BAT...HAS COME BACK...TO THE BATCAVE!!!!

You know...it's funny...I never knew just how much I missed my journal until I just couldn't find the time to write in it. Well...actually...the problem was really that I started a re-design of the website in the middle of one of the most hectic months of the year...Christmas! That alone caused me to get behind on the site redesign and all.

Well...I finally came up with a design that I like and now all I'll be doing is fine tuning things. I've already noticed mistakes that I've made (such as the screwed up way some of the FLASH pictures in folks journals come up ...although mine works just fine...go figure...). I want to install a chat room and for some reason...once you go into the 'Discussion' area...theres no way to get back to our homepage. So...I'll be having fun figuring all of this stuff out over the next few months. Oh...did I mention I want to learn how to broadcast my own internet radio station? Yeah...The BatCave is my experimental place on the net.

So...that's that. Now...I'll start my new entry...

Slow Head....Day Hurt...

Uggg...It's a slow day. My head hurts and I'm stuck in this 'tiredness' state that I can't shake.

Well...I'm about done with the min parts of the website now. I've discovered that I have some screwed up links to go back and fix...but that's not a real big deal...should have that done by later tonight.

Althouh my vision of a website where folks can have their journals and ask real questions on the message board is coming true...it's more work than I expected. So...now I'm asking some of the other Superhero's to be moderators over different sections of the message board. By weeks end the new message board should be in place giving us total controle over our own space. Right now we're using a free message board system from ProBoards....and although it's cool...it's just in the hands of someone else and that's not a good feeling. So...changes have to occure.

I've talked to the BatCave's hosting provider about switching us over from a Windows webserver to a Linux webserver. This will allow me have use phpboards for our message boards and actually have a chat room. Well...the chat room...I'll wait on that until we have about 50 or 60 members..maybe more. There's nothing like coming to a chat room over and over again and there not being anyone there. But...Oh well....

We do have new journals online now. Venom, Angel, Green Lanterness and...Rogue... Yup...our little family is growing.

Well...that's all for now.
Peace...and Today...in God...LiveLifeLoveandLearn
B7X

BlogTemplate

Yup...working on the Blog...please don't worry...I'll have this new design done in a moment. Have a great day...and check back later folks.

Song: I Work hard for the money

Now something is wrong with the coding for the blog! I guess I'll have it fixed sometime on Friday.

I am excited though...there are new folks that want journals/blogs...and that's a good thing. I'm in the process of making that happen...but I felt a need for a website re-design. Yup...I know...we just put the current design up....BUT....I felt a new urge and that's what I'm working on now. So...I should have the redesign up and all of the new blogs sometime Friday night.

Actually...it's the new journals/blogs that made me redesign the site. On the current site...there wasn't enough room to keep adding folks to the site...and it was 2 much work the way I do it now. So...the new site will make adding new blogs less time consuming.

Ok...have to go now...there are some things I wanted to look into on the Bat Messageboards.

Peace...and Today...in God...LiveLifeLoveandLearn
B7X

New Song: Baby Hold Onto 2 Me....Cause I'm a special kind...

Well...I was informed that the Delta stories we're of interest to all of the two of you out there that read this journal of mine...so I guess it's only fare to finish the store of Ms. Delta and how it all came to an end. It's strange...many of these thoughts are easy to type out...but dare not ever share in person. Hmm...I wonder why?
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I remember become confused often by Delta. There were times when she would cry when certain songs came on the radio. I remember one song by Gerald & Eddie Levert..."Baby Hold On 2 Me"....Delta would cry almost everytime that song came on. With a confused look...I would inquire "Baby...what's wrong"...and...after a while...actually...a few weeks...she informed me that song made her think of day...that will eventually come...when we break up.

Now...I thought the girl was oh so crazy! I mean...I loved this girl. She was the center of my life. There had never been any woman as close to me (mom excluded) and other than Phoenix....that had captured my imagination...thoughts...dreams...heart. I would do anything for this woman. We had been thru so much together...we were experiancing life together in a new city...new school.

You know it's funny....Delta and I had such an affinity for music. Both of us could tell you different songs that relate to certain periods of our life. Music became time markers for us. And although I don't know if it's still that way for her...it truly is for me.

So...I believe in February or March or 92...I came down with the greatest head ache of my life. I was up all night in mad pain. The next day...I could barely walk. I had almost no vision in my left eye. Against my roommates wishes...I got up to go to class. Once I made it downstairs....after about 10 mins...I went outside and attempted to make it up the outside stairs only to stumble...and find myself using the stairs as a bed.

After 'relaxing' for a moment...there was a Alpha...I forget his name...that found me and was trying to get me to go2 the nurse. But...as anyone who 'really' knows me can tell you...when my mind is made up...there's nothing else that can really be said. So...I made him help me to my class.

Once inside the building...Alpha leaned me up agaist the wall. The last thing I remembered was seeing Delta and my Calc teacher walking in my direction...and my whole world doing a Honeymooners number and fading to black.

When I awoke...I was on a stretcher...and Delta was there also......

"These Are The Things That Change Boys 2 Men"...Part IV

Back in 1992...after you had an abortion...they told you that you couldn't have sex for 3 months. DA HELL!!! Ok...so no sex. What now?

Over those three months...I made the transition from a 'Boy II a Man"....

for a 19 year old boy...if you were in a room with a girl that was naked...it was time to BANG!!! That was it. It was about bustin that NUT!!! You were in it to...as a popular song of that day by AMG said..."poking it...stabing it...that kidney see...I can make you pee"....that's just what it was about. But...it was time for a change...

Over the next three months Delta and I would spend long hours in her dorm room...talking...laughing...loving eachother. I learned more about her in that 3 months than I ever did ...
We would lay naked...caressing eachother. My fingertips gently...lovingly...touching every inch of her body. Finding every scar...tracing each line...seeing the true beauty of her smile. I painted her toe-nails...learned how to give a good massage...found how to pleasure the nipples the way that a woman wants...and not just the way a man thinks it should happen! She taught me how to love a woman.

Delta taught me to love. She taught me what love was all about. She showed me who I was...and gave me a clue as to who I was about to become. I loved her for that.

Now...you might say..."you didn't learn that earlier in life?" Nope...not at all. I was 19...and before then...the only real training...learning...I had was with the guys. Oh...you know...the guys sitting around. Talking about women. No...girls. Yeah...who had the nipples that showed thru the shirt. What girls were giving it up? Which one's would actually give head! Yeah...oh...and let me not forget about..."Aw man!!!....Girls want you to bang the hell out of them. " Oh...and giving or making sure a woman has a orgasm? What was that about? Ummmm....yeah...Ok.

See....it's been my experience that if you want to know about a woman....then you ask a woman. Women...if you want to know how a man thinks...or how he feels...or why he "is" that way...??? Then your best bet is to ask a man that isn't trying to get into your pants. Then...you'll learn something.

Well...Delta.....yeah....she was the one. Most in my family thought I should have married her. Actually...at one time...I thought so also. But .....it didn't happen. But...that's another story for another day. Hey...maybe my next entry.

To Delta...wherever you are....
Thank you...
SvnX..................."These are the things that change boys....to men...."

"These Are The Things That Change Boys 2 Men"...Part III

Violent nightmares. Visions. Pain. Guilt. The unending feeling of loss. Uggg...all from the loss of my child. This unborn baby who looked like me. More than likely would have come out as pale as all get out! Hmm...you should see my baby pictures...and it's funny how all the children in our family are born on the lighter side 'black'....

Oh...sorry...did I ruin what you thought? Oh...you thought I was Rican? Nope...sorry....Black Baby!!!.....but....on with my story.

A few things were happening. What I thought was reality...was middle of the rode....was ....'ok'....was all wrong! You see....I thought that by not making a decision about having/not having this child....that I was 'ok' in the eyes of God and it felt pretty good in my soul/spirit to take this postion. Actually...it was my flesh that felt pretty good (that's a spiritual statement). I knew that abortions were wrong.....but I had it in my mind that if I didn't make the final decision then I wouldn't be held responsible for that life/no-line....

The truth really is...really really is...that I was a punk! I was the young kid that had it pretty easy most of his life. I had some heartache (story about Dad another day)....but when it came to women I had a pretty good success rate at having good relationships with some pretty good women. The truth is that I wasn't prepared for this!

I thought I was being a man. Be 'responsible' to moral laws by not making a decision. What I actually did is let the women who I loved carry a huge weight upon her shoulders. I was there when it came time for the get down. Time for sex. Time to bust that nut!!!...but upon seeing the bi-product from those actions...I punked out. Delta was left to make a decision that would change her life and her outlook on it...by herself. The man who she thought loved her...would be there for her...was just proven to be...still a boy.

The nightmares...the realization of just how far I still had to go...was more than I could take. But...in that woman...Delta...she loved me. She encouraged me 2 grow...to learn...and helped me get over those nightmares.

Hmm....it's funny. She had to be strong for me...and then taught me how to be strong for her!